HOW THE YUKO SHIMIZU GHOST VARIANT FOR SEX CRIMINALS HAPPENED, BY CHIP ZDARSKY
A couple of months ago I was strolling down the street at night, NOT looking for sex, but rather looking for a sense of connection, when suddenly a white van pulled up beside me. A gentleman poked his head out the window and asked me where he could have a good time.
“Disneyworld,” I replied. The man nodded knowingly and tore off into the night.
Then, a minute later, another white van pulled up beside me and a man jumped out, bashing my skull with a rubber bat and punching me in the ribs, shattering two of them. I was dragged into the back and could hear the wheels screech because the driver was too quick to accelerate, which is bad for the tires. Were they made of money?
My eyes adjusted to the darkness and could now make out two bald black men with giant white eyes and weird white mouths. I soon realized they were just two white guys in black ski masks. ‘Ugh, white guys again’ I thought to myself.
“We heard you have a book coming out with a Mr. ‘Matt Fraction’” The one guy said this as if Matt either wasn’t real or didn’t know how to keep it real.
“Yes!” I blurted excitedly. “It’s called Sex Criminals! It’s a fantastic yet human tale of two lovers who kiss each other all over and stop time and rob banks and stuff!”
“We know!” The second guy finally spoke. “We will be putting out an exclusive variant edition of your first issue. You cannot stop us. If you try to call the cops or the comic cops or whoever we will destroy everything you ever loved!” I was confused since I’d never loved anything, but went along with it anyway.
“We control all! The variant cover will be illustrated by Jake Gyllenhaal! He’s so hot right now!”
“Yeah, but he … doesn’t draw … does he?”
The masked whiteys turned to each other with mild terror in their eyes.
“I-I don’t know. Well, who else can we get?”
“Yuko Shimizu! She’s fantastic. Also, a friend of mine! Tell her Chip sent you!”
“PERFECT.” The one thug opened the van door while the other chucked me onto the cold, hard pavement, smashing my extremely pretty face, which is why I look the way I do these days. I got up and dusted myself off for the long walk to home or sex. I was in a lot of pain but I still managed to laugh a little. Friend? Ha. Yuko Shimizu was my greatest enemy. “Enjoy the visit from those thugs,” I whispered into the night air.
Now, months later, the comic has surfaced. A Ghost Variant, available at select weird shoppes apparently. She may be my greatest enemy, but she sure knows how to draw.
The tale of the variant could be its’ own series… Fingers crossed.
Australian LEGO creator Duncan McConchie of Bricktease created this awesome stop-motion video, entitled “LEGO Casino Royale”, a very impressive shot-for-shot remake of the dramatic opening scene from the 2006 James Bond film, Casino Royale.
Whether you’re a James Bond fan or a LEGO enthusiast, we think you’ll enjoy it. And if, like us, you happen to be both, then you’ll probably be over the moon.
[via Laughing Squid]
This is touching and brilliant.